What to Do When Someone Dies: A Practical Guide
Although it is a sad rite of passage that almost all of us will have to walk through in our lifetime, knowing what to do when someone we love dies is rarely something we’re equipped with prior to the event.
Did your person tell you they wanted a last ride in a sick Hearse? Assume they’d love it!
Although it is a sad rite of passage that almost all of us will have to walk through in our lifetime, knowing what to do when someone we love dies is rarely something we’re equipped with prior to the event.
Perhaps due to a combination of our culture’s propensity to avoid confronting death at any cost, the quagmire of loss and grief that descends on the living after a death, and the tendency of institutions to want death to be dealt with rapidly, most people tend to feel harried, completely lost and overwhelmed when a death occurs, even when it was expected, or protracted.
This advice is specific to Australia, and in some cases especially to Melbourne and Victoria, but the key points remain the same wherever you are in the world.
When Someone dies after an illness or period of convalescence
Useful Tip #1: Slow it Down
Unless your person dies in a nursing home where there is no mortuary storage, then there is absolutely no need to do anything immediately after death. If you’re at home, put the kettle on, or pour a stiff drink.
If in a hospital, ask for a cup of tea, and just spend some time with your person. Let your body, mind and spirit come to the fact of their death, by just sitting with it for some time.
You may want to gather items to give the person a sponge bath, or ask nursing staff to do that for you. Cry, wail or sing, the main thing is to know that this time is precious as well as desperately sad.
If you’re absent from the person, and have been phoned with the news, it can be even more difficult to know what to do with yourself. Again, slow it down, and allow yourself some time to digest the news. There is no rush.
In the event that your person is in a nursing home where they cannot store them for any length of time, spend this time considering which funeral director you’d like to use. It is far better if you can undertake this decision-making process BEFORE the fact. It takes an enormous amount of pressure and stress away from this very sad moment, and means you’re more likely to get a range of quotes, rather than settle on the most immediate option, simply because you feel pressured or overwhelmed.
Useful Tip #2
If your person does die in a place like this, see if you can get the medical cause of death certificate completed immediately, so that it can be collected by the transfer team when they take your person. This makes everything much easier, when possible
When someone dies in a hospital, they are taken to the mortuary, and there is a process of documentation that need to be completed before they can be released to your funeral director of choice. This process can take 24-72 hours, so take your time in finding your funeral director, and taking plenty of rest.
When someone dies suddenly, accidentally or unexpectedly
Your level of shock and overwhelm is likely to be immense. The most important thing is that you seek immediate support and companionship. It is not a good idea to be alone.
In this case, your person will be taken to the Coroner’s office. You do not need to do anything to organise this, it is arranged by the police or emergency services. This includes someone dying at home, even if they had been recently unwell, but not dying.
Your person will remain at the Coroner’s office for at least 72 hours, but it can be a week or more. This is such a difficult time to wait, but is important so the cause and manner of your person’s death can be clearly established.
Surround yourself with people, and take things incredibly slowly. Use the time to find the right funeral director, and to plan the elements of their farewell in a way that is soft and slow.
Useful Tip # 3:
Arrange for a friend or loved one to keep you company, and write everything down, because when you’re grieving you’re prone to forget things
You’ll need a friend x
Immediate Considerations
Was the person an organ donor? This will only be relevant if they are on a life support in a hospital, and the staff there will ask you. Check their documents and wallet for information or cards relating to this
Are there care arrangements in place for dependent children? Contacting their other caregivers is an immediate priority
- Contact all next of kin and close friends and family
- Determine whether prior arrangements have been made: Did the person have a pre-paid funeral, or funeral insurance (that’s a rort, but a post for another day!), or written instructions regarding their wishes? Check for existing burial plots, cremation certificates, or pre-arranged funerals.
- Did the person nominate an executor of their estate? If so, this person has the final decision making ability regarding the person’s stated wishes from the moment of their death.
- Is there enough money in the deceased person's bank account to pay for the funeral and have you contacted the bank about accessing the funds?
- Are there any sickness, accident, life, superannuation or private health insurance policies which may make a payment towards the funeral?
- Was your person a returned service person or did they belong to any club, pensioner association or trade union which may entitle them to a funeral benefit?
- If you or your person received payments from Centrelink have you checked with Centrelink about a possible bereavement payment or allowance?
- Did your person have a preference for where to hold the service? This could be different from the actual burial / memorial location.
- More information on immediate steps, bereavement payments and more can be accessed here: https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/individuals/subjects/death-and-bereavement/what-do-when-someone-dies
Choosing a Funeral Director
Many people are so overwhelmed at the time of a person’s death, they are not able to shop around for the best funeral director for their person’s personality or cultural system, budget and so on. Many people revert back to the brand names they know, which are likely to be the most expensive options available. Not many people realise that three major corporations own around 50% of the market share in Australia. Invocare account for around 30%, and their brands cover the full spectrum from budget to premium brands, although they use central mortuary facilities that offer the same level of care to all, at vastly different prices. Independent funeral providers are more likely to publish their prices on their website (The Last Hurrah lists all their prices freely on their website, and will soon have a completely itemised pricelist), and to respond quickly with a quote. Larger brands are less likely to do this, and may offer less flexibility when it comes to personalising a funeral or memorial service.
Questions to ask funeral providers when sourcing a quote:
- Can they provide an itemised quote that outlines every inclusion
- Do they include a coffin in their Professional Services Fee? Are transfers and basic mortuary care included in their fees, or are they extra? Is a death certificate included in their basic fee?
- What disbursements (optional extras like floral arrangements, service booklets, PA and audio gear) do they offer, and do they support you sourcing your own if you want to?
- Do they allow you to buy your own coffin or make your own? If so, do they charge a handling fee?
- Do they offer home funerals or vigils at home?
- Do they support DIY elements like driving your person to the crematorium or burial site?
- Can you choose and pay your own celebrant or venue?
As funeral providers, our key mission is to offer families as much flexibility as is humanly possible, so that funerals and farewells can be truly authentic and reflective of the person’s identity.
We offer a range of sustainable options for coffins and shrouds as part of our professional services fee, and we also offer home funerals and vigils, support families to do DIY or family-led funerals, and essentially bring a YES energy to as many areas of the funeral business as possible. We also offer a continuity of care model, where your funeral arranger is also your funeral director on the day, and usually acts as the celebrant too, so you only need to talk to one person throughout the entire process.
Boring but Important Admin Thingos
Your funeral director organises the legal death certificate issued through Births, Deaths, and Marriages; this is needed to settle the estate and can 4-6 weeks to be delivered to you. If the person needs to remain at the Coroner’s for some time, an interim Death Certificate can be arranged.
This link offers a comprehensive list of who you should contact in the days and weeks after your person’s death. Remember, if you feel overwhelmed, you can always come back to it later. https://www.humanservices.gov.au/customer/subjects/what-do-following-death
If the person left a will, you should make contact with their lawyer and/or executor immediately. Sometimes people leave their requests for disposition and funeral in their will, and these wishes can be missed if the will is not read until after the person’s disposition. Seek legal advice on the best way to approach this. Once you have the death certificate completed you can then set about notifying all the institutions and places your person had dealings with. This can include government departments, banks, telecommunications and utilities providers, local councils and any memberships the deceased had. The Department of Human Services has a handy checklist of some of the more common organisations you'll need to notify: https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/individuals/subjects/death-and-bereavement#a3
Grief, Mourning and Self Care
Grief is a process. Grief is a journey. Grief is an unravelling. Grief is a new chapter or becoming. Grief cannot be rushed or fast-tracked. The time between a person’s death and their memorial, funeral or disposition is usually an incredibly busy time of planning, communication, decision making…the rush of activity and the early numbness of grief can disconnect you in some ways (sometimes mercifully) from the enormity of your loss.
It is usually after the funeral, when everyone returns to their normal lives, when the weight of grief can really hit home like a sledgehammer.
It’s a good idea to give yourself time and space to process. Ask friends to bring you a meal for the fridge or freezer. Expect your sleep to be disturbed, and your energy levels to vary wildly.
We have found the work of Dr Alan Wolfelt, of the Centre for Loss and Life Transition, to be immensely helpful in normalising the grief journey, and making sense of it all.
He talks about the difference between grief and mourning, the importance of personal ritual, and offers simple and soothing advice. https://www.centerforloss.com/2016/12/helping-heal-someone-dies/
If you are ever at a loss and not sure how to proceed when you’ve lost someone, please know that the Last Hurrah Funerals team are available 24/7 and offer absolutely obligation-free advice to all.